look no pants
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
