The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
