My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
