Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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