Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
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just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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