my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
