i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
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I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize