I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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