Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
