The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
