I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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