I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
