I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
