she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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