I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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