Banned from zoo.
Again?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
