shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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