On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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