The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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