took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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