well I can't set my house on fire every night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
