I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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