I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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