you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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