dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
