i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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