fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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