he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
