You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
