If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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