The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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