i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
