I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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