I can text with my tongue
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
