I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
