Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
