You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I understand Curling. That high.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
