I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i now understand why vodka
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
