Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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