My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
