you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
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I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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