She is in my trunk
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
