I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
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He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
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I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I want is dick and wine.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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