thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I can text with my tongue
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
