dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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