Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
