the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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