I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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