I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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