Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
