The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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