I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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