made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this will be a night to untag.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
