They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
