shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
