3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
