Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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