The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
